This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
