and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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