I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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