I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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