On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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