sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
