I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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