Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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