Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
