Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
