Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
