Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
