So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
