My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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