Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
