I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
