what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
not ubering you a puppy
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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