3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
