Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
