i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
