Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
