Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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