How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
