i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
