Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
