I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
