walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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