also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
