Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
