If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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