boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
