I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
