I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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