i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
