I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
