I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
