Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
