hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
