do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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