The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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