Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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