i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
