Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
