Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
