I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
