i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
