So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
