my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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