I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
