i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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