She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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