you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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