I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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