I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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