I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
