I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
